FAMILY I
SEWER PRINCIPES
- Boss
- Uncle Whiskers
- Territory
- Grand Street storm drain, all four quadrants
- Specialty
- Cheese futures, protection, and the only key to the pump house.
Oldest table. Settles disputes with a look and a very old cane.
Chapter I
The Five Families
Every drain has a boss. Every boss has a table. Five tables, one city, and not one of them has ever paid rent. The territories below were settled in 1971 over a folded slice and have not been questioned since.
FAMILY II
DUMPSTER DONS
- Boss
- Sal “The Lid” Marino
- Territory
- Restaurant Row — alley side, never street side
- Specialty
- Waste management. Literally waste. They mean it literally.
Owns every hinge on the block. A closed lid is a message.
FAMILY III
SUBWAY CLAN
- Boss
- Nonna Gnaw
- Territory
- Line 6, Canal Street up to Pelham
- Specialty
- Third-rail smuggling and turnstile logistics at scale.
Runs the tunnels on a timetable. Has never missed a train.
FAMILY IV
PIER RATS
- Boss
- Tony Barnacle
- Territory
- Pier 41, the fish house, and two rowboats
- Specialty
- Crates in, crates out, and a respectable amount of shrinkage.
Salt in the fur, salt in the tone. Settles up at low tide.
FAMILY V
TRASH HEIRS
- Boss
- Baby Face Rizzo
- Territory
- The uptown chutes, floors 9 through 30
- Specialty
- Loan cheesing, the numbers game, and Tuesday collections.
Youngest boss in the city. Inherited it all. Acts like he earned it.
Chapter II
Made Men
The ledger. Kept in pencil, in a shoebox, under a slice of cardboard. Reputation is earned by holding, lost by squealing.
| Rank | Made Name | Wallet | Family | Reputation |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 01 | Vinny Two-Tails CAPO DI TUTTI | 7hQ2…9xLp |
Sewer Principes | 100% |
| 02 | Big Cheese | 4mN8…c3Vd |
Dumpster Dons | 96% |
| 03 | Nino Nibbles | 9zR4…k7Ba |
Subway Clan | 93% |
| 04 | Carmine Crumbs | 2tY6…Ff1s |
Pier Rats | 89% |
| 05 | Paulie Provolone | BgW3…Q8me |
Sewer Principes | 84% |
| 06 | Momma Marinara | 5kD9…rT2c |
Trash Heirs | 80% |
| 07 | Dutch Drainpipe | Xn7L…4pJh |
Subway Clan | 74% |
| 08 | Louie Longtail | e3Vb…sN6k |
Pier Rats | 69% |
| 09 | Tommy Trashcan | 8aZq…W5rd |
Trash Heirs | 61% |
| 10 | Angelo Alley | c6Ht…y9Bn |
Dumpster Dons | 55% |
Ledger names, wallets and reputations are invented. So is everything else on this page.
Chapter III
Wiretap Log
Line 6 payphone, tapped Tuesday. Transcription by a very tired detective who is, we should mention, also a rat.
END OF USABLE TAPE · REMAINDER CHEWED
Chapter IV
The Code
Spoken once, in a basement, over a candle and a heel of provolone. Nobody wrote it down, which is why we wrote it down.
- Never squeal.
- Never share cheese.
- Never fumigate.
- Never trust a cat in a nice coat.
- Never sell the family on a red day.
— sworn by all five tables, in an alley, since forever
Chapter V
How to Get Made
Hold $RAT
Buy the bag. Keep the bag. A rat who sells at the first siren was never a rat, he was a tourist with a tail.
Prove loyalty
Show up. Post. Defend the family in the group chat like it is a courtroom and your cousin is on the stand.
Kiss the ring
It is a bottlecap. It is sticky. You will kiss it anyway, and then you are family, and then you never eat alone.
TAKE THE OATH → PUMP.FUN
CA __PLACEHOLDER_CA__